I let out a sigh of exhaustion as my mind processed the last twenty four hours of my life. I looked at my hands and shuddered at the thought of the vile act they had committed. Growing up a chubby child, I had unsurprisingly developed an eating disorder at the mere age of eleven thanks to the influence of the impossible beauty standards that had been imposed upon me by society. As a result, I had low self-esteem and had close to no friends. A friendly nod could be considered as my biggest social interaction of the week. However, after I starved myself, hid in the bathroom to throw up my meals, and worked out excessively, I had noticeable results of weight loss which worked like a spell! After all the years I had spent melting into the background - I was suddenly visible. People would notice me and they were so much nicer to me. Unfortunately my parents caught on pretty quick and got me into therapy where I finally started developing a better relationship with food. My therapist suggested a fresh start would be helpful and thus we moved to another city. Although it wasn’t The Big Apple, it had a nice peaceful environment which I liked. On moving day, a cheery blonde girl came to greet us with a tray of freshly baked cookies. She beamed at us and introduced herself as Mabel. I was shy at first since I never had any real friends but her kind words and sunshine personality quickly won me over. I considered her my best friend. She mentioned briefly that her other best friend, Tiara, was on vacation with her family and she would introduce us once high school resumed. To be honest, I already despised Tiara. Mabel was my first friend and I was insecure that she would abandon me once Tiara arrived because I have never been good enough to be someone’s first choice. I dreaded the day junior year would start but to my dismay time didn’t stop and it arrived. When I first met Tiara, I could tell why Mabel liked her. They had matching cheerful smiles and her brunette locks of curly hair flowed beautiful down to her waist. A perfect pair, you could say. Soon, I started feeling invisible again. Every time Mabel would invite me somewhere I would feel excited until I found out that Tiara would be there too and declined. I knew that no matter how much I tried, Tiara would always be the favorite. My envy and rage controlled me to the point where I felt despair and desperate to do anything to ruin their bond and replace her. I pushed down those feelings and considered giving my therapist a call. Just then, Mabel surprised me with a call and invited me to Tiara’s house for a sleepover. She was shocked but happy when my usual rejection of plans was met with an unsure acceptance. They gave me a warm welcome and tried their best to make me feel part of the group. However, in my mind I knew I was an intruder and they would be happier if I wasn’t around. I looked gloomily at the wall filled with their smiling polaroid pictures and a yellow sticky note next to Tiara’s desk caught my eye. I took a sneaky picture while the girls made popcorn in the kitchen. A glimmer of hope flickered in my chest even though my conscience told me not to do it. I sighed and agreed with the voice of reason until I saw them walk in giggling together and laughing at her another inside joke. I faked a smile as a devious plan filled my head for the next day. When I returned home, I logged into Tiara’s Facebook with a racing heart. I almost considered chickening out but the timeline of their friendship pictures brought a scowl to my face and I stayed resilient. I needed Mabel to hate her, even if I had to hurt her in the process. I wanted to be her only best friend. Mabel had a well-protected secret. She was adopted. While no one could tell since she dyed her hair blonde to fit in with the rest of her family or would judge her about it if they knew, she was extremely conscious about it. Only a few of her closest friends knew. I had only accidentally found out while her mother mentioned it to mine. Of course, I never mentioned this to her and now when I leaked the secret, she could never suspect me. I typed out a quick post revealing it with a tone of humor and logged out and deleted information that I ever accessed the account. A small twinge of guilt twisted my heart and I quickly shut it down. I finally had all of Mabel’s attention and love. I wouldn’t have to share. Within ten minutes, the actual post was deleted by the real Tiara but it was too late and the damage was done. A quick concerned call to Mabel and I was relieved to find out that Tiara had been blocked on every social media and Mabel’s parents refused to let her visit. I rushed over with her favorite snacks and let her cry on my shoulder all night long. My heart filled with glee when she told me I was the only one she could trust and she loved me for comforting her throughout. I reassured her and comforted her. I finally had all the validation I needed. Despite my initial happiness, it didn’t last very long. Seeing Mabel and Tiara’s gazes at each other - one’s eyes filled with betrayal and the others with confusion, and their cheerful smiles replaced with raccoon eyes indicating their sleepless nights filled with tears, my guilt started to crush me. I needed to come clean. An opportunity came to me when my father announced that we needed to move back to New York because of his job and new promotion. He would enroll me into a new high school there and I quickly grasped at the chance and agreed readily. Junior year was almost over and I needed to escape. My need for validation had crushed my morals and I needed to heal and be a better person. I had destroyed the life of the first person who had ever shown me kindness and I was driven to the point of insanity. Mabel and I shared a tearful goodbye as the moving truck took back my things. She didn’t know that a letter revealing the truth would reach her and Tiara’s house the next day. I kept the letters raw and real. I apologized profusely. I opened up about my past and how my lack of real friendships in the past had made me so overprotective over my first real friend who cared about me and not my looks. I expressed how scared I was to lose her. I tried not to victimize myself in the letter since I needed to be accountable. I begged for forgiveness for trying to come between them but even I knew I was undeserving of it. Two days later I was blocked by both of them, everywhere. I accepted their decision with grace and knew in my heart I was deserving of much worse. The chance to run away had given me a chance to take accountability without facing real consequences but even the thought of Mabel looking at me hatefully broke me. I stare at my shuddering hands and soothe myself as I feel another panic attack approaching. My conscience had taken it onto itself to punish me. Hurt people hurt people and in order to break that toxic cycle and be able to form loving and fulfilling friendships in the future I decided to re-enroll into therapy. As I watched the soft rays of sunshine enter through my window blinds, I made a promise to myself to be better.